SCIENCE! Or, y'know, not.
Mar. 16th, 2009 01:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
winneganfakeTime for another of the lovely redneckian dialogues in which Cleatus and Uncle Jimmy lay out for you just what's going on in our world today.
Cleatus: What'cha doing, Uncle Jimmy?
Jimmy: Sharpening up these fenceposts into some nice big wooden stakes.
Cleatus: Why you doin' that, Uncle Jimmy?
Jimmy: Well, Cleat, it's about global warming. They teach you about global warming in that newfangled school of yours?
Cleatus: Yeah, Uncle Jimmy, I reckon I understand about what some of the long-term effects of global warming are.
Jimmy: Great! So, what's on your mind then, Cleatus, aside from the fact that in a few thousand years the earth'll be reduced to a venusian-like environment, covered in thick layer of hot vapors, gases and clouds, inhospitable to life as we know it?
Cleatus: (confused) Well, Uncle Jimmy, I was kinda more wondering about what the short-term effects were going to be like.
Jimmy: Oh those! Well, the short term effects are gonna be quite interesting indeed my boy. Lemme talk about those a little bit- you just pull up a stool there.
Now, then. The short term effects. Well, to start with, we're going t see the polar caps start to shrink.
Cleatus: You mean like mine does in the wash?
Jimmy: No, the polar ICE caps. You really were your mother's and your brother's son, weren't you?
Cleatus: (beaming) Dad always said I took after him too well.
Jimmy: I'll bet. Anyways, Cleatus, the ice caps are going to melt. And a lot of people want to tell you that what happens when those melt is that we're going to see ocean levels start to rise. Now I as a scientolologist, can tell you that that ain't what's going to happen. The cities ain't going to get flooded, and we aren't going to be waterskiiing down through Times Square anytime soon.
Cleatus: We ain't?
Jimmy: Son, when you take a glass full of water and ice, and stand it out in the sun for long enough for all the ice to melt, does the level of water in the glass rise or fall?
Cleatus: Well, once I-
Jimmy: Never mind that son, I'll tell you- it stays the same. Part of the water evaporates, and the ice is larger in volume that it's liquid form. It may rise slightly, but not so much as you'd notice. But as the temperature increases, the good old evaporation cycle begins to increase. We get more and more water vapor rising into the air, creating more clouds and storms. Now, in sunny warmer areas, like, say anywhere outside of the polar regions, that means temperatures are going to actually drop a bit at first.
Cleatus: So, global warming means we're going to get colder?
Jimmy: Only at the start. And cities like here in Seattle, where we already get tons of cloud cover? Well, we're going to see more and more cloud cover. Hell, son, we'll be lucky if we get to see the sun for one day in 60. And you know what that means, right Cleatus?
Cleatus: What's it mean, Uncle Jimmy?
Jimmy: It means vampires, Cleatus. God-damned vampires. The hungry undead. The bloodsucking fiends. It's a well-known scientific fact that direct sunlight kills vampires faster than eatin' your mother's cooking. But indirect sunlight? While the harmful UV rays that hurt human beings may till penetrate the clouds, none of that does a lick of damage to your average bloodsucking freak. And with Seattle now being even more of a haven for them, we'll probably see the damn things walking up and down the streets in broad day- well, not so daylight. Soon enough, they'll become our undead masters, keeping human beings as penned up livestock to slake their unholy thirsts on. Soon enough, they'll be replacing the top of the Space Needle with a big, gleaming, chrome-plated skull, complete with fangs, and Starbucks'll start having an "extra shot of O+" option on the menu. You follow? The upshot and downshot of global warming is that we get the undead invasion. Hell, it's probably already happening.
Cleatus: Jimmy, is that why you're sharpening those-
Jimmy: Let's just say that I like to be prepared son. I like to be prepared.
Cleatus: What'cha doing, Uncle Jimmy?
Jimmy: Sharpening up these fenceposts into some nice big wooden stakes.
Cleatus: Why you doin' that, Uncle Jimmy?
Jimmy: Well, Cleat, it's about global warming. They teach you about global warming in that newfangled school of yours?
Cleatus: Yeah, Uncle Jimmy, I reckon I understand about what some of the long-term effects of global warming are.
Jimmy: Great! So, what's on your mind then, Cleatus, aside from the fact that in a few thousand years the earth'll be reduced to a venusian-like environment, covered in thick layer of hot vapors, gases and clouds, inhospitable to life as we know it?
Cleatus: (confused) Well, Uncle Jimmy, I was kinda more wondering about what the short-term effects were going to be like.
Jimmy: Oh those! Well, the short term effects are gonna be quite interesting indeed my boy. Lemme talk about those a little bit- you just pull up a stool there.
Now, then. The short term effects. Well, to start with, we're going t see the polar caps start to shrink.
Cleatus: You mean like mine does in the wash?
Jimmy: No, the polar ICE caps. You really were your mother's and your brother's son, weren't you?
Cleatus: (beaming) Dad always said I took after him too well.
Jimmy: I'll bet. Anyways, Cleatus, the ice caps are going to melt. And a lot of people want to tell you that what happens when those melt is that we're going to see ocean levels start to rise. Now I as a scientolologist, can tell you that that ain't what's going to happen. The cities ain't going to get flooded, and we aren't going to be waterskiiing down through Times Square anytime soon.
Cleatus: We ain't?
Jimmy: Son, when you take a glass full of water and ice, and stand it out in the sun for long enough for all the ice to melt, does the level of water in the glass rise or fall?
Cleatus: Well, once I-
Jimmy: Never mind that son, I'll tell you- it stays the same. Part of the water evaporates, and the ice is larger in volume that it's liquid form. It may rise slightly, but not so much as you'd notice. But as the temperature increases, the good old evaporation cycle begins to increase. We get more and more water vapor rising into the air, creating more clouds and storms. Now, in sunny warmer areas, like, say anywhere outside of the polar regions, that means temperatures are going to actually drop a bit at first.
Cleatus: So, global warming means we're going to get colder?
Jimmy: Only at the start. And cities like here in Seattle, where we already get tons of cloud cover? Well, we're going to see more and more cloud cover. Hell, son, we'll be lucky if we get to see the sun for one day in 60. And you know what that means, right Cleatus?
Cleatus: What's it mean, Uncle Jimmy?
Jimmy: It means vampires, Cleatus. God-damned vampires. The hungry undead. The bloodsucking fiends. It's a well-known scientific fact that direct sunlight kills vampires faster than eatin' your mother's cooking. But indirect sunlight? While the harmful UV rays that hurt human beings may till penetrate the clouds, none of that does a lick of damage to your average bloodsucking freak. And with Seattle now being even more of a haven for them, we'll probably see the damn things walking up and down the streets in broad day- well, not so daylight. Soon enough, they'll become our undead masters, keeping human beings as penned up livestock to slake their unholy thirsts on. Soon enough, they'll be replacing the top of the Space Needle with a big, gleaming, chrome-plated skull, complete with fangs, and Starbucks'll start having an "extra shot of O+" option on the menu. You follow? The upshot and downshot of global warming is that we get the undead invasion. Hell, it's probably already happening.
Cleatus: Jimmy, is that why you're sharpening those-
Jimmy: Let's just say that I like to be prepared son. I like to be prepared.