Cleatus and Uncle Jimmy explain it all...
Nov. 13th, 2009 12:07 pmWhat's that, you say? There's water on the moon? Why, how right you are. And who better to explain the significance of all this than good old Cleatus and Uncle Jimmy...
Cleatus- "Uncle Jimmy! Did you hear the news? Did you hear the- Uncle Jimmy, why are you polishing up all those rifles?"
Uncle Jimmy- "Cause I heard the news today, Cleatus. About the Moon. And the fact that they found water up there- serious amounts of water, potentially. That means trouble."
Cleatus- "Trouble? But Uncle Jimmy, isn't it good news? I mean, that means we're one step closer to being able to build and sustain a habitat on the Moon, right? We could go live on the Moon!"
Uncle Jimmy- "No, Cleatus, you can't go live on the Moon. Well, you could, but your sister'd kill me. Besides, while it's true that finding water up there means we've got another of the basics covered that we'd need- energy from the sun, source of water, and a way to create oxygen, we're still short on other components we'd need. No, the big thing, though, is that everyone's forgetting the big truth about what this discovery means."
Cleatus- *sigh* "Ok, Uncle Jimmy, what's it mean?"
Uncle Jimmy- "Space Nazis."
Cleatus- ...
Uncle Jimmy- "I'm serious, boy- we all know the Nazis had a ton of rocket experiments going back during the war, right? They were light years ahead of us, so of course they started sending up rocket after rocket to the moon- the first ones unmanned, just to get raw materials up there- then manned ones later, carrying soldiers and plants- everything they'd need to stock up and fill a moonbase once they arrived. And they've just stayed there since- the Apollo missions just got lucky and missed spotting them, otherwise Aldrin and the rest'd just be a bunch of dust in low orbit.
"But now, that we know there's water up there? And you can be sure that those damn Space Nazis know that we know boy- they've been watching our TV shows ever since the Nixon debates- now that they know that we know? They'll be coming for us. You bet your ass, we'll be seeing a Space Nazi invasion just in time for V-E day next year."
Cleatus- "But, Uncle Jimmy, if they're Space Nazis, wouldn't they get crushed by all the gravity here on Earth, since our gravity's six times stronger? I mean, shouldn't their skeletons be like swiss cheese compared to ours?"
Uncle Jimmy- "Bullhonkery, boy. Don't you understand? They're Space Nazis. All the cosmic radiation they've been exposed to up there? It'll have changed them over the years. They won't be anything human anymore- They'll be ready for gravity like ours, and they'll scare the shit out of our soldiers too- no hair left on any of them, giant dark eyes from being used to life on the dark side of the moon, pale, gelatinous skin, tentacles for fingers, and shiny black SS uniforms. It'd be like facing off against a horde of Hot Topic employees- from space."
Cleatus- "Woweee."
Uncle Jimmy- "That's why the rifles, boy. I fought 'em back in the war, and I can do it again now. Now pass me that polishing cloth."
Cleatus- "Uncle Jimmy! Did you hear the news? Did you hear the- Uncle Jimmy, why are you polishing up all those rifles?"
Uncle Jimmy- "Cause I heard the news today, Cleatus. About the Moon. And the fact that they found water up there- serious amounts of water, potentially. That means trouble."
Cleatus- "Trouble? But Uncle Jimmy, isn't it good news? I mean, that means we're one step closer to being able to build and sustain a habitat on the Moon, right? We could go live on the Moon!"
Uncle Jimmy- "No, Cleatus, you can't go live on the Moon. Well, you could, but your sister'd kill me. Besides, while it's true that finding water up there means we've got another of the basics covered that we'd need- energy from the sun, source of water, and a way to create oxygen, we're still short on other components we'd need. No, the big thing, though, is that everyone's forgetting the big truth about what this discovery means."
Cleatus- *sigh* "Ok, Uncle Jimmy, what's it mean?"
Uncle Jimmy- "Space Nazis."
Cleatus- ...
Uncle Jimmy- "I'm serious, boy- we all know the Nazis had a ton of rocket experiments going back during the war, right? They were light years ahead of us, so of course they started sending up rocket after rocket to the moon- the first ones unmanned, just to get raw materials up there- then manned ones later, carrying soldiers and plants- everything they'd need to stock up and fill a moonbase once they arrived. And they've just stayed there since- the Apollo missions just got lucky and missed spotting them, otherwise Aldrin and the rest'd just be a bunch of dust in low orbit.
"But now, that we know there's water up there? And you can be sure that those damn Space Nazis know that we know boy- they've been watching our TV shows ever since the Nixon debates- now that they know that we know? They'll be coming for us. You bet your ass, we'll be seeing a Space Nazi invasion just in time for V-E day next year."
Cleatus- "But, Uncle Jimmy, if they're Space Nazis, wouldn't they get crushed by all the gravity here on Earth, since our gravity's six times stronger? I mean, shouldn't their skeletons be like swiss cheese compared to ours?"
Uncle Jimmy- "Bullhonkery, boy. Don't you understand? They're Space Nazis. All the cosmic radiation they've been exposed to up there? It'll have changed them over the years. They won't be anything human anymore- They'll be ready for gravity like ours, and they'll scare the shit out of our soldiers too- no hair left on any of them, giant dark eyes from being used to life on the dark side of the moon, pale, gelatinous skin, tentacles for fingers, and shiny black SS uniforms. It'd be like facing off against a horde of Hot Topic employees- from space."
Cleatus- "Woweee."
Uncle Jimmy- "That's why the rifles, boy. I fought 'em back in the war, and I can do it again now. Now pass me that polishing cloth."
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