And one for the ladies....

[winneganfake]

You know what else we need to talk about here? Those so-called fashion faux-pas. I know some women out there are trying to keep up on these things, just so that they can look fashionable and eventually use those charming looks to snatch the object of their desire into bed with them. (Not that I think any of those women read this journal but hey, why not.)



First Off: Panty Lines. Now I know everything you read and see on TV tells you that these are annoying, disgusting, and maybe even skanky. Let's set the record straight. Men like these. They indicate openness and honesty about your choices in lingerie, and well, they give the less imaginiative of us better guideposts for mentally undressing you. And trust me- you want us to mentally undress you. That glassy look we get when we blindly hand our wallets, car keys, or deeds over to you? Yeah. That's what we're really doing.

Secondly: Wear a friggin' bra! They're there to tantalize and tempt us. They're absolutely not there to bounce around in 360-degree circles, higher than your head,exist on a line with your navel, or tied in a knot behind your neck. Or worse yet, to completely disappear into your shirt. Give us cleavage or give us death.

That said, let's go straight to lesson three: Velcro Is Sexy The less time I have to take to get it off of you, or worse, If I can't get it off of you due to the strange alienness of the fasteners involved, the more frustrated I'll be. And the more frustrated you'll be. And nookie is well, a frustrating experience as is- do you know how much restraint we have to use to avoid making certain faces during sex?

And finally, lesson four: Too Tight is not tight enough. If I can't see every detail of your body through your clothing, then mental undressing becomes a frustrating challenge. Revisit Lesson one if you need a reminder about that point.

Ok, that's enough of a lesson for now- quiz this weekend.

Comments

[inaurolillium.livejournal.com]

You fail to understand some very, very important things about what constitute fashion faux-pas. Men are not the judges of female fashions, they are the targets. Other women are the judges. Fashion faux-pas let us know what will cause the women around us to make catty remarks both behind our backs and to our faces, what will raise or lower our social status, and many other small things. The point of fashion is to walk a fine line between enticing and frustrating men.

Panty lines are disapproved of because they make it too easy for you. I mean, duh.
Velcro is not sexy. To take you literally, velcro is bulky and ruins the lines of the extremely tight clothing you're advocating, and in that same clothing, it simply won't keep it closed for more than one or two wearings. To take you less literally, well, honestly, we like watching you stare in puzzlement at the fastenings. It's funny. That's why they're there.
The same with too tight clothing. Not only is it uncomfortable and unsuitable for many, but we want to frustrate and challenge you. It amuses us. And, let's face it, the frustration we give you is the best entertainment we're likely to get out of an awful lot of men.

Women are evil. That's why we do what we do to you men. I thought you knew that.

[winneganfake.livejournal.com]

You do realize this entire post was satire, right?

Of course, If mine's satire, then yours is stand-up.

[inaurolillium.livejournal.com]

Yes, Dmitri, I do realize.

Well since you mention it........

[semanticvandal.livejournal.com]

I do know women are evil. I do indeed.

Hence why I have permanent phobias of bra clasps, dress fastenings, and bondage gear. I know somewhere out there is a piece of female clothing looking to put my eye out.

But I pursue them nonetheless.

(shudder)

Ahab had his whale. I have the Wonderbra.

Re: Well since you mention it........

[inaurolillium.livejournal.com]

Not all of us wear Wonderbras. Not all of us need to.
Of course, some of us wear much, much more frightening things.

Re: Well since you mention it........

[winneganfake.livejournal.com]

You sir, are an odd duck.


And you know what we do to ducks around here?

Re: Well since you mention it........

[semanticvandal.livejournal.com]

Quack them up??

(rimshot)

=D

Re: Well since you mention it........

[winneganfake.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'd more been thinking

Followed by

Re: Well since you mention it........

[semanticvandal.livejournal.com]

I look damn sexy on a bed of lettuce.

Wanna pluck my tailfeathers sugarbritches?

=P